


the die is cast ( except for her)

by yourgirlislovely



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant - mostly, F/M, Non-Linear Narrative, canon compliant death, definitely not in compliance with british english nuances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27970253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourgirlislovely/pseuds/yourgirlislovely
Summary: The first time Severus sees Lily again is a week after she dies.
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape, Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 12
Kudos: 12





	1. The First Encounter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brainyisalwayssexy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brainyisalwayssexy/gifts).



> hello hello hello! this is my first attempt to write a pairing that I've not really shipped but the idea kept gnawing at me that I decided to give it a go. 
> 
> I hope I do the characters and the ship justice :) Tags will be added as the story progresses. 
> 
> This is all thanks to @desidarling123 on tumblr because honestly where would any of my ideas be without her? probably in the void of my brain, bouncing about.
> 
> Anyways reviews are always appreciated.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide them all, then,” he croaked. “Keep her — them — safe. Please.”
> 
> “And what will you give me in return, Severus?”
> 
> “In — in return?” Snape gaped at Dumbledore, and Harry expected him to protest, but after a long moment he said, “Anything.

* * *

_(Anything. )_

  
  
  
  


The first time Severus sees Lily again is a week after she dies. 

  
  


He makes the deal with Dumbledore; protect her child, her child who looked too much like Potter for him to even care.

  
  


_(Her eyes. Her child, her eyes.)_

  
  


And it is enough. To play double agent as the Potions Master, to betray the Dark Lord.

For the sole fact that a piece of Lily Evans was a part of the child, it is enough.

  
  


But misery isn't done with him. 

_(He doubts it ever would.)_

  
  


So he wallows in it, a pensieve and several small vials in front of him, a bottle of fire whiskey unopened. 

  
  


The burn of his poison numbs and numbs with each sip, and soon he's reliving the closeness of her to him again, he can almost touch her, pull her close–

  
  


Something pulls him out of the memory and back onto the rough, cracked floors of his childhood home.

He curses at the impact on his back.

  
  


Severus whips out his wand, _Sectumsempra_ half formed in his mind.

  
  
  


He looks up. Even in the dark, with the light of the pensieve only dimly lighting the room, he can’t mistake who he sees.

_(He sees her everywhere, even more now than when she was still alive.)_

  
  


It's all there, the curve of her lips always up, the green eyes, the waves of red tumbling from her head.

Lily.

  
  


Standing across from him. 

  
  
  
  
  


"Severus."

  
  


It even sounds like her. 

  
  
  
  
  


"You're supposed to be dead."

  
  
  


The familiar rise of her eyebrows is too much and he's tempted to turn his wand at himself to make him just _forget_.

"Sorry to disappoint, Sev." 

  
  


And it's like something is coming to life in him at the sound of his old nickname. His only one, the only one of an adequate reassurance of their fragile friendship. A nickname to give him a sense that he still _has_ her; a nickname that instills a craving in him since the day they met.

  
  


He lets out something close to a laugh and it cuts him in his throat. 

  
  


Severus stumbles and steadies himself, facing his visitor. 

  
  
  


“Did the Dark Lord send you? Whoever you are?” Severus takes a long swig from his bottle.

  
  


_“Your reward, Severus. For your loyalty. For being a faithful servant._ _Anything you desire, it is yours. Anyone, they are yours.”_

  
  


_Anything. Anyone._

  
  
His dark eyes meet hers. “ Did he instruct you? To make yourself like her?”

  
  
Lily –or someone who looks an awful lot like her– lets out a chuckle of her own.

  
  


His stomach twists at the echo of it in his ears. 

“Now why would You-Know-Who do that?” 

  
  
_(Because it’s the closest thing to what I want. )_

  
  
  


His eyes narrow.

  
  
“The Dark Lord always had his reasons. A test of my loyalty.”

  
  
  


“Oh Sev. I think you proved that when you made my son a target in the first place.”

  
  


Bile forces its way out him as his only response. And with it, a purge of everything in him, leaving only a quiet desperation to rationalize her mere existence. 

  
  


“ You’re a hallucination, then. “ Severus wipes his mouth, his voice quieter. “I-I drank a lot, see? It’s me, I’m - I made you up before and I’m doing it now. I’m making you talk to me.”

  
  


She says nothing but he sees the pity in her eyes. 

  
  
  


"Touch me." Illusion or not, he's still selfish. 

She steps closer, the floorboards giving away the truth but he still wants to feel. Her face is inches away from his, the gentleness of her breath close to his ears, her eyes never leaving his and–

  
  


He's on the ground again, his fall much more sharp but –

_(Her hands. On him.)_

  
  
  


He looks up, his confusion at the possibility of her alive choked with the raw relief that she just is.

  
  


Lily crouches down, "Am I real enough now?"

* * *

Severus waits outside, leaning against the wall until the yelling stops. Or until his father leaves. 

  
  


_(He hates summer. )_

Two weeks since his first term at Hogwarts and he is counting the days.

  
  


Anything to leave behind the shambles of his crummy house, his father’s gaze of absolute disgust at him and his mother–

  
  
  


_"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?"_

_"No. It doesn’t make any difference."_

  
  


He frowns as he kicks the dirt in front of him.

  
  


Of course it does. He just wishes he had more time with the lie. 

  
  


Lily gets angry at him for it and he lets her. 

Now it’s been months; since Mulciber’s taunt, since Potter’s annoying jump at her defense ( why is he always around her anyway?), the scuffle in-between and his own silence, waiting for it to be over. Waiting for her to come back and not be mad, waiting for them to be friends.

  
  


_(Because they are, aren’t they?)_

  
  
  


So Severus goes to the park where they always meet and spends the day in silence, for any sign of red locks moving closer to him.

_Where is she?_

  
  


He does this everyday since break. From sunrise to sunset, nibbling on what little he could sneak out from his house without being caught.

  
  
  


Then he goes home, just to try again the next day. 

  
  
  


It’s pitch black now and he hears the door knob rattle, a male voice getting louder. 

  
  


“Where is that little twat of yours, thinks he can just come and go as he pleases, stealing from me –”

  
  


Severus moves to the side and holds his breath as boots meet the ground and make their way further away from the house.

He inches closer to the corner, keeping a sharp eye at the stumbling form of his father fade into the night.

  
  


“Severus?”

The tired voice of his mother catches his attention. 

She is by the door, her eyes puffy, her hair messy.

  
  


“How long were you waiting out here?”

He says nothing, looking down at his feet. 

Eileen sighs. 

“Mum needs to go for a few days. Your father will be out of town for a week on a job. There’s some food for you. Just… Just take care of yourself.”

  
  


_(Doesn’t he always?)_

Before he looks up again, she’s gone. 

  
  


So he waits.

Like he always does. 

* * *

It’s the sound of running water that wakes him up. 

His head is about to burst in pain, the bright rays of sun cut through his curtains and burn his eyes. 

  
  


He’s on his couch, a raggedy blanket slides off.

The bottle of fire whiskey sits next to his pensieve, his vials all stored away. The taste of vomit and alcohol lingers on his tongue as he presses his fingers to his head, the splitting pain only getting worse with the water. 

_(Why is the water running?)_

Severus gets up, spots his wand and picks it up, turns toward the entrance to the kitchen. 

  
  


The tap stops. 

And just like the night before, the full form of Lily Evans turns towards him, a rag in one hand and plate in another.

In his house, a week after her death. 

* * *


	2. The Way We Were

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 took a lot longer than I anticipated but I think I finally have a version I'm satisfied with and I hope you all will be too!
> 
> Of course, reviews are appreciated! 
> 
> Any grammar or spelling mistakes are my own.

* * *

He feels someone gently shake him, followed by a whisper. “... Sev?”

Severus stirs at the contact, his eyes peer to see dark red. Then he’s hastily sitting upright on the couch where he's made his spot since his mother had left two days ago, startling the other person.

“Sorry!” Lily squeaks out, sounding worried and apologetic, both. “I -- I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

  
  


Lily.

She’s here. In his house. 

After days of him waiting, she’s here. 

“What are you doing here?” The question comes out a lot sharper than he wants and she takes a step back. For a moment, he feels bad. 

  
  
  


But then remembers that she was gone. 

Without so much as a warning.

_(The days–no, months of being bereft of her, of waiting takes the shape of a sharp bitterness that he is only too eager to throw at her.)_

  
  
  
  


“Where were _you_? I waited at the park every day and you just- you were gone! You were mad at me and then you just leave? I -”

  
  


He’s standing up now, all that he’s bottled up at the brim.

  
  


“I didn’t leave! And I deserve to be mad, you lied to me!”

  
  


“And I said I was sorry, didn’t I?! But you didn’t want to talk to me or listen to me for the rest of term or now, and you just -just”

  
  


His words disappear, the tears start, his sobs come out and he hates it. 

  
  


He hates that he’s crying, really crying and in front of Lily but something wraps around him and he feels the softness of her hair tickle his face.

  
  
  


"I won't ever again, okay? Please Sev, I'm sorry."

  
  


He nods, "I'm sorry too."

* * *

_Everyone_ in Cokeworth can see her. 

  
  


A few days pass since her unexpected visit and she suggests getting food. Vegetables, fruits and all that. 

  
  


_(What good is food to someone who should be dead?)_

  
  


But he goes with her anyway. Stays silent as Lily makes conversation with the vendors and other patrons, some even responding with vague familiarity of an old neighbor. 

  
  


_(If muggles could see her, then what magic is at play?)_

  
  


He's yet to ask her anything since that fateful night, only nodding to her questions between the prolonged periods of silence despite the numbing ache to accept this as a change to have her back after mourning her for so long.

  
  


But he waits. For her to tell him.

  
  


( _Or to disappear one last time.)_

  
  
  


Her entire body crashes to the ground after falling for what feels like an eternity.

  
  


The sharp edges of leaves prickle her face and she pulls herself up, groaning in pain. A dizziness possesses her, her vision blurry in the dense fog and shivers crawl up as the chill of the air hits her skin. 

  
  


_Flashes of green, the violent rumble of sound, the piercing scream of a man before a this coming from below as she locks the door behind her before walking towards the cradle to –_

  
  


"Harry, " she croaks, "James."

Her heart races as she gets up, disoriented and panicked. 

_Lily's ears ring at the sharp blast of the door behind her as she holds the baby close to her. Tears flow as she hopes and prays for anything to get Harry out of this, to save him–_

_"Give me the boy and you shall be spared."_

  
  
  


"HARRY! JAMES!"

  
  


_Another flash._

  
  


_A ghoulish, inhuman face is observing her. She's seen this man before. In battle, in her home and he's smiling at her now before speaking._

_"A boy born at the end of July, that certainly narrows it. Severus, you are indeed the most faithful."_

  
  
  


And something starts to choke her, palms sweaty, the rest of her an ice cold.

  
  


She's stumbling in the dark, tripping over air, heaving. Calling for her husband and her son, or anyone who could hear her, see her, help her. 

  
  


_(Where is she?)_

* * *

  
  
  


Lily comes over everyday the following week, a gentle knock at his door in the morning with her homework assignments ("We can tackle Slughorn's paper on sleep draughts together") and a basket of meals and snacks to sustain them. 

It's his dream come true; their own little world of studying magic, from the distraction of their peers, their families, and her friends' silent judgment of their friendship. All is right again in the world. 

  
  
  


"Mum's in the hospital."

They're at his wobbly dining table, eating the porridge she's brought for the day. 

  
  


He stops mid-bite, looking up at her. 

Lily's bowl is untouched, her eyes unmoving from a spot on the table. She's fidgeting like she's scared to say more. 

Scared of what, he's not sure.

Severus swallows the chewed parts as quickly as he can, before he spits it out along with his questions.

  
  


"Easy, Sev", she pushes a glass towards him as he starts to cough. He gulps it down, wiping his mouth before the words come out. "What's wrong with her?"

And he hates the roughness of his words as soon as he sees her wince. Of course it's the worst way to ask and he's offended her–

"They called it cancer, the muggle doctors. She looks okay, just really tired. Dad and Tuney have been visiting her everyday for a few months because it's been really bad."

He tries to recall the last time he's seen Mrs. Evans, an older version of Lily with her gentle words and kind smiles, even for him. 

  
  


_(He's never seen his mother smile like that, even when he got his Hogwarts letter last year.)_

  
  


"... didn't tell me." 

"What?"

"I didn't know she was sick this whole time. All my letters that I owled them, talking about how wonderful of a time I was having at Hogwarts. They kept it from me. Like I – I–"

  
  


"Didn't belong."

Her head sinks down, her dark hair covers her face and her shoulders shake.

  
  
  


Severus swallows.

  
  


_(It’s a touchy subject, how much she tries to hold on to things in the past and his frustration with her clinging to a life before Hogwarts, before him, before them.)_

  
  


"I told you, “ He speaks slowly, an attempt to soften the words leaving him, “When we go to Hogwarts, we leave things behind. And that's okay because we're where we need to be, we belong amongst others like us–"

  
  


"Mulciber doesn't think so. A lot of your friends don't think I belong at school, being muggle-born."

  
  


"So what? We both know you're twice the witch than anyone in our year!" 

  
  


"Because it means I have nowhere to go!” She looks up to meet his eyes. 

  
  


_(And it’s a devastation on her face that Severus is all too familiar with; his father’s hatred the moment magic makes its mark on him, his mother’s quiet acceptance -the realization that loneliness is all he has in his own home.)_

  
  


“I'm losing the world I knew. And if they don't want me in Hogwarts? Where do I go Sev?!"

  
  


She's sobbing now, her arms wrapping around her knees, her head is buried in between them.

  
  


He walks over to her side, a sudden burst of courage overtaking him.

  
  


"With me. Anywhere I go, you go." His voice is clear.

  
  


_(He’s imagined the words spoken many times, but never the right moment to say them aloud.)_

  
  


Lily looks up, her eyes big and watery and hopeful. 

  
  
  
  
  


His hand reaches out at the same time as hers, fingers slowly interlocking with his in fragile uncertainty.

  
  


_(She's coming back to him.)_

  
  


"If it's just us, will it be okay?", Her voice is barely above a whisper but his heart leaps at her question.

  
  
  


_(More than okay.)_

  
  
  


" 'Course. we just need you to be a little less clumsy with your wand waving in Charms."

  
  


She grins.

  
  


He smiles back, his own crooked one matching hers in size. Their hands grip together, the warmth of her finally with him. 

* * *

"Severus, you're a month ear–"

  
  


The elderly man pauses at the sight of the other man's companion. "Lily."

  
  


"Professor Dumbledore. I hope you're well, " her voice unnervingly calm.

  
  


"Not as well as you seem to be it seems. "

  
  


A tight-lipped smile forms at her lips.

  
  


"Forgive me as I'm sure all the usual questions have been asked but are you–"

  
  


”–really Lily Potter, formerly Evans born in Cokeworth and eventually moved to Godric's Hollow after marrying my husband _James_ on August 28th of 1978? Formerly dead and now inexplicably alive? Yes, I can assure you." 

  
  
  
  


The words roll off her tongue like she's practiced this a thousand times in her head, but it’s the date of her wedding and the subtle flinch from Severus that gives the headmaster the proof he needs. 

  
  


Severus clears his throat. 

"She also–"

  
  


"–knows that it was _him_ ", her eyes glance over to her former friend and current host, "who broke news of the prophecy to You-Know-Who."

  
  


Dumbledore’s eyebrows rise in surprise. 

The silence blankets over the three of them as they stand in the headmaster’s office. The unease is broken only by a loud crackle from the fireplace that pulls them out.

  
  


"Well then, we mustn't spend our time unwisely. Severus, would you mind waiting outside? I'd like to speak to Lily privately."

  
  



End file.
